As American as...

Apple pie and baseball. The quintessential American nouns, right? I say fuck that. The real adage should be “As American as hot dogs, SUV’s, and all-you-can-eat buffets.” Maybe replace baseball with NASCAR - the rubber-burning, oil-wasting pastime which has now become the #1 “sport” in this country - and apple pies with McDonalds apple pies – those partially hydrogenated oil-filled desserts, loaded with sugar, a flaky crust, and 13 grams of fat. Those are the real values of the post-WWII America.

Is it possible to get more American than a hot dog? I say yes, but it has to be a televised event, complete with media hype, where grown men compete to see how many hot dogs they can eat in an allotted time. It goes without say that this competition be televised on Fox.

And that, dear readers, is why today marks a watershed event in American culture. Joey Chestnut, a 22-year old engineering student at San Jose State, set a new American record, eating 50 hot dogs (and buns!) in 12 minutes. He moves on to face Japanese eating ace Takeru Kobayashi, the 5-time hot dog-eating contest champion, in the World Championships, held where else but Coney Island on America’s birthday, July 4th. In his last four outings, Mr. Kobayashi (no, not the villain from “The Usual Suspects”) has failed to reach the 50-hotdog benchmark.

As disgusting as this is, some people actually take this seriously. There is even an International Federation of Competitive Eating, whose chairman, George Shea said the following of Mr. Chestnut: “The Fourth of July has been stolen from Americans because of Kobayashi's dominance and now America has someone who they can get excited about."

It wouldn’t surprise me if there was a large group of American competitive-eating fans who truly feel that the Fourth of July has been stolen from them. As much as I love about the United States – the opportunities afforded, the high standard of living, the, dare I say, freedoms we have – it also has the ability to turn my stomach with our insatiable appetite for almost everything – energy, food, consumerism. Nothing quite sums up the ugly side of American hyper-gluttony quite like a hot dog-eating contest. And I fully expect us to regain the crown that’s rightfully ours.

When I was in fifth grade we had a French foreign exchange student living at our house for a year. The moppy-haired surfer named Lionel was overall a good guy, though some of my family members may beg to differ with me on that.

In addition to introducing me to drugs (no, he didn’t actually give me drugs, but I knew he smoked a lot of pot), the greatness of Jimi Hendrix, and the beauty of the south of France, Lionel is also responsible for acquainting my family with the most amazing video game ever created: Lemmings.

At Lionel’s suggestion, my dad bought the family the Lemmings software one year for Christmas. I’m not hyperbolizing when I say it changed our lives. We were glued to the computer. When someone finished a level without the other two siblings there, we got pissed. Lemmings was our journey together. I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me I spent three hundred hours playing that game.

What makes Lemmings so great? I can’t really put my finger on it. What makes Tetris so great?

Lemmings is simple problem-solving game where you have to rescue a certain percentage of the little guys as they fall from the sky. Like their real-life counterparts, they walk in a straight line until they’re commanded to do something: dig, build a bridge, bash through a wall, etc. You only have a set amount of each command, which varies per level.

It’s tough to say which lemming is my favorite. I’m apt to say basher. He’s a tough motherfucker that can bash his way through almost anything: dirt, plant roots, stone. The only material basher has met that he can’t plow through is that pesky titanium steel. But even dynamite lemming can’t get through that shit.


I like digger a lot too. Dude’s got stamina. He digs, with his bare hands no less, and doesn’t stop till he’s hit paydirt. Persistence, along with an uncanny ability to scoop his way through rocks, stones, worms and all the other shit he hits along the way, are his best attributes.

Umbrella man is pretty cool too, but you usually only get a few of them. He parachutes those long distances that would otherwise see him splat like a packet of ketchup off the Empire State building. He’s bold, a trailblazer, leading the pack on their way to the promised land. Usually umbrella man does the thankless duty of building a bridge so that his umbrella-less brethren can make the long journey unscathed.

Blocker is perhaps the most selfless of the lemmings. He’s there to make sure no one gets in the way of your trailblazer who’s clearing the path. Not only is he thorough (looking both ways as he halts the lemming parade), he’s a cheerful bloke, whistling while on the job (at least I think he’s whistling). Not only is he incredibly efficient, he’s a total team player; he knows his inevitable fate of being blown to smithereens like a Black Cat on Chinese New Year. Without you blocker, we’d all be toast.
Climber has the unique ability to scale any wall, no matter the material. Skilled, yes, but also brave. He too possesses the Lewis & Clark-like ability to go where no Lemming has gone before.

Miner’s another one with endurance. He wields that pickaxe like Bobby Jones with a putter. You got a job that basher or digger can’t handle? Call up Mr. Miner. He’ll tear through that shit like Roger Ebert with a bag of Funyuns.

If all of this made you feel like a dog watching at a card trick, I highly suggest you check out Lemmings DHTML for a taste of the game. You may find yourself reaching all-time lows of productivity, but at least you’ll know discover one of the more enjoyable aspects of life.