As American as...

Apple pie and baseball. The quintessential American nouns, right? I say fuck that. The real adage should be “As American as hot dogs, SUV’s, and all-you-can-eat buffets.” Maybe replace baseball with NASCAR - the rubber-burning, oil-wasting pastime which has now become the #1 “sport” in this country - and apple pies with McDonalds apple pies – those partially hydrogenated oil-filled desserts, loaded with sugar, a flaky crust, and 13 grams of fat. Those are the real values of the post-WWII America.

Is it possible to get more American than a hot dog? I say yes, but it has to be a televised event, complete with media hype, where grown men compete to see how many hot dogs they can eat in an allotted time. It goes without say that this competition be televised on Fox.

And that, dear readers, is why today marks a watershed event in American culture. Joey Chestnut, a 22-year old engineering student at San Jose State, set a new American record, eating 50 hot dogs (and buns!) in 12 minutes. He moves on to face Japanese eating ace Takeru Kobayashi, the 5-time hot dog-eating contest champion, in the World Championships, held where else but Coney Island on America’s birthday, July 4th. In his last four outings, Mr. Kobayashi (no, not the villain from “The Usual Suspects”) has failed to reach the 50-hotdog benchmark.

As disgusting as this is, some people actually take this seriously. There is even an International Federation of Competitive Eating, whose chairman, George Shea said the following of Mr. Chestnut: “The Fourth of July has been stolen from Americans because of Kobayashi's dominance and now America has someone who they can get excited about."

It wouldn’t surprise me if there was a large group of American competitive-eating fans who truly feel that the Fourth of July has been stolen from them. As much as I love about the United States – the opportunities afforded, the high standard of living, the, dare I say, freedoms we have – it also has the ability to turn my stomach with our insatiable appetite for almost everything – energy, food, consumerism. Nothing quite sums up the ugly side of American hyper-gluttony quite like a hot dog-eating contest. And I fully expect us to regain the crown that’s rightfully ours.