Your MySpace Sucks
(originally published Mar 22, 2006)

There are lots of idiots on myspace. Here are my bones to pick with them and their stupid pages:

Annoying bulletins
Yes, you posting that lame-ass bulletin about your favorite this or that, some stupid joke that I'm supposed to re-post, or how I can somehow see who's looking at my pageI don't give a fuck. In fact, I fucking hate it, even though I somehow can't turn away. You post enough of these bulletins and you're cut off. I get enough spam, junk mail, and other shit I don't want to look at. I don't need to read some stupid bulletin spoofing primetime TV shows using the word vagina. "Gray's Vagina" is not remotely clever or funny, and neither were the 72 other responses. So stop it. Please.

"Most Popular Searches"
Who the fuck is "My Chemical Romance" and who is constantly searching for them? According to the "most popular searches" bar, they're the third most searched for thing on MySpace, so either they're a huge hit or they've fellated "Tom" enough to get their name fucking everywhere. I'm guessing it's the latter.

Girls who put their profile picture as them and their hot friend.
Look, if I clicked on your page because one of the girls in the profile picture was hot, then I find out it's not you, I'm gonna be pretty disappointed. Then I'm going to find them among your list of friends and leave your page. Immediately.

Pages that play songs.
I'm on my computer, listening to KEXP or something in my music collection, then suddenly on comes Neil Diamond's "Crunchy Granola Suite". Yes, it's funny and kitschy, but I'm listening to my own music. And it's probably a lot better than the shit on your page. Please spare me the effort of clicking on the pause button to stop the annoying noise emanating from your page, especially b/c I'm probably going to have to do it multiple times after clicking through your comments, pictures, etc, then back to your homepage, only to have that shit start again. If you were meant to be a DJ you'd be doing it by now.

People who overload their spaces with pictures, colors, annoying backgrounds, etc.
If yours is one of those pages that looks like someone just puked up four years worth of Polaroids, I think it's safe to say you obviously weren't a design major. That shit is distracting. If you want people to actually be able to read how much you love Mediterranean food and how your favorite character from Goonies was "Data", then you're gonna have to come up with a simpler, more well thought-out color scheme than yellow on white.

Guys who only have girls in their "Top 8"
Listen dude, no one thinks you're cool because you have a bunch of blonde chicks in your top eight. Fact is, you probably don't even know half of them. Your attempt at fooling people into thinking you're some sort of Casanova is sadly transparent and succeeds only in making you look like the assclown that you truly are.

Bands that want to become my "friend"
If I don't personally know you or have been to one of your shows, I don't want to become your friend. Maybe your band should get a real website? Just a thought.