When I was in fifth grade we had a French foreign exchange student living at our house for a year. The moppy-haired surfer named Lionel was overall a good guy, though some of my family members may beg to differ with me on that.

In addition to introducing me to drugs (no, he didn’t actually give me drugs, but I knew he smoked a lot of pot), the greatness of Jimi Hendrix, and the beauty of the south of France, Lionel is also responsible for acquainting my family with the most amazing video game ever created: Lemmings.

At Lionel’s suggestion, my dad bought the family the Lemmings software one year for Christmas. I’m not hyperbolizing when I say it changed our lives. We were glued to the computer. When someone finished a level without the other two siblings there, we got pissed. Lemmings was our journey together. I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me I spent three hundred hours playing that game.

What makes Lemmings so great? I can’t really put my finger on it. What makes Tetris so great?

Lemmings is simple problem-solving game where you have to rescue a certain percentage of the little guys as they fall from the sky. Like their real-life counterparts, they walk in a straight line until they’re commanded to do something: dig, build a bridge, bash through a wall, etc. You only have a set amount of each command, which varies per level.

It’s tough to say which lemming is my favorite. I’m apt to say basher. He’s a tough motherfucker that can bash his way through almost anything: dirt, plant roots, stone. The only material basher has met that he can’t plow through is that pesky titanium steel. But even dynamite lemming can’t get through that shit.


I like digger a lot too. Dude’s got stamina. He digs, with his bare hands no less, and doesn’t stop till he’s hit paydirt. Persistence, along with an uncanny ability to scoop his way through rocks, stones, worms and all the other shit he hits along the way, are his best attributes.

Umbrella man is pretty cool too, but you usually only get a few of them. He parachutes those long distances that would otherwise see him splat like a packet of ketchup off the Empire State building. He’s bold, a trailblazer, leading the pack on their way to the promised land. Usually umbrella man does the thankless duty of building a bridge so that his umbrella-less brethren can make the long journey unscathed.

Blocker is perhaps the most selfless of the lemmings. He’s there to make sure no one gets in the way of your trailblazer who’s clearing the path. Not only is he thorough (looking both ways as he halts the lemming parade), he’s a cheerful bloke, whistling while on the job (at least I think he’s whistling). Not only is he incredibly efficient, he’s a total team player; he knows his inevitable fate of being blown to smithereens like a Black Cat on Chinese New Year. Without you blocker, we’d all be toast.
Climber has the unique ability to scale any wall, no matter the material. Skilled, yes, but also brave. He too possesses the Lewis & Clark-like ability to go where no Lemming has gone before.

Miner’s another one with endurance. He wields that pickaxe like Bobby Jones with a putter. You got a job that basher or digger can’t handle? Call up Mr. Miner. He’ll tear through that shit like Roger Ebert with a bag of Funyuns.

If all of this made you feel like a dog watching at a card trick, I highly suggest you check out Lemmings DHTML for a taste of the game. You may find yourself reaching all-time lows of productivity, but at least you’ll know discover one of the more enjoyable aspects of life.