So Bad It's Good

I fucking love really, really bad things. I might actually like them more than good things, but only if they're bad enough to be good. I'm talking about movies like Gymkata, Blind Fury, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, and anything Steven Segal has been in. Up until now, I thought that nothing could top these films in terms of bad-goodness. Well, possibly Jean Claud van Damme's masterpiece, "Lionheart".

But hold on folks, this summer could see the release of quite possibly the best bad movie of all time: the Samuel L. Jackson vehicle, aptly titled "Snakes on a Plane". That's right, the name of the movie is "Snakes on a Plane". Snakes on a fucking plane. It doesn't get much blunter than that.

The logline, courtesy of IMDB.com reads "On board a flight over the Pacific Ocean, an assassin, bent on killing a passenger who's a witness in protective custody, lets loose a crate full of deadly snakes".

So let me get this straight: somebody wants a key witness dead, so they hire a hitman to do the job. Now, I've never hired a hitman, but I assume one of the things you look for in a hitman is their track record, references, etc.

"So I need someone dead, but they're in protective custody. How would you go about killing this person?"

"Well, first of all, I'd like to thank you for this opportunity. Jobs like this don't come along very often and I really appreciate you considering me as a candidate. As you can see on my resume, I've been a hitman for six years and I have an impressive track record: eight contracts, eight kills. I'm efficient, thorough, and I'm a real people person. Customer satisfaction is my number one goal."

"Excellent. Now, as I mentioned before, this witness is in protective custody. How would you deal with these difficult parameters?"

"Can you give me a minute? I just would like to gather my thoughts" (long pause) I've got it! Just as this key witness is flying over the Marshall Islands, I'll unleash a crate of yellow adders. They will pounce on said witness, killing him and the special agents assigned to his protective custody."

"You know kid, you're not the most experienced, but you really think outside the box. You're hired!"

Now, other than the fact that there would never be "a crate of deadly snakes" on a passenger plane, this plot sounds totally plausible. Forget the standard assassin techniques like long-range sniper fire or poison, let's kill him by unleashing snakes on a plane. There's no escaping a on plane!

I'm just wondering who Sam Jackson is playing. The witness (unlikely), the assassin (slightly more probable), or the badass special agent in charge of the witness' protection? I think we have a winner here.

This movie is Passenger 57 meets Anaconda. How fucking beautiful is that? I can't imagine a combination of worse movies, and I can't wait to see this shit. I only wish Wesley Snipes was cast in the lead. Always bet on black!




************Update*******************
So I found a website dedicated to this masterpiece, called Snakesonablog.com. Fucking brilliant.

Apparently a sequel is in the works, and it looks like it could rival the original: