McBurns

I almost feel bad for John McCain. Last night was the poorest performance from an elected official since Arnold Schwarzenegger's appearance on Monday Night Football a few years back. And, while both were filled with laughs, this is a man who could potentially be our next president. If I didn't think he was completely delusional I would say he's mailing it in. As one comment I read this morning put it, "It was like watching JFK debating Mr. Burns."

McCain was awkward, creepy, robotic, constantly teetering back and forth, at times getting so close to the audience members that they could actually smell his Brylcreem. But he still looked unsure if he should hold eye contact with those who asked the question. He made some absolute groaners in his lame attempts at humor, hoping to "connect" with the average American. Er, um, Joooooooe Sixpack.

McCain might not have looked so bad if it wasn't for his smooth-operating opponent, Barack Obama, who was graceful, engaging, and laid out his plans clearly and passionately. McCain looked like a robot on batteries that were quickly running out of juice. Generic batteries. That were made in China. By underpaid workers in a factory full of outsourced jobs. Barack was running on renewable energy compared to McCain, who for the first time truly looked geriatric and completely out of touch.

It's tough to pick out any one favorite moment from a night filled with so much comedy, but perhaps the best was when Obama laid out exactly how McCain would attack him, using false claims and strawmen arguments that Obama specifically spelled out, then summarily defeated. So how does McBurns respond? By using those exact same lines, not two minutes after Obama said them! It was like watching the '86 Bears against the 2006 Raiders. If Al Davis were coaching the Raiders. And the Bears had stolen the playbook.

Last night was the final blow in a sorry, sad campaign whose wheels have been falling off for some time now and is now grasping at straws with their negativity and mud-slinging. John McCain is going to lose this election and it's probably not going to even be close. Maybe not Reagan-Mondale, but it's looking like a landslide at this point. McCain has sold his soul to the same party that smeared him in 2000 and put his White House ambitions in front of the good of the country. I once held a high opinion of the man, and while I still applaud his service to our country, I hope that he goes out quietly while managing to keep intact the last few remaining shreds of dignity he has.

I Heart Huck-irony

Let me preface this post by saying I'm not entirely sure what to make of new rightwing darling Mike Huckabee. He's always struck me as a decent, hardworking guy with good intentions. At the very least, he seemed honest - a breath of fresh air in politics, much less the GOP. But while I believe he's not a total criminal, I also disagree vehemently with many of his viewpoints. The dude's a Southern Baptist minister after all - could I really see eye-to-eye with him on more than a handful of issues?


Regardless, I can't help but let loose a cynical chuckle at this latest development, courtesy of the Huff.

In summary, Huckabee campaign hard grant parole to a convicted rapist, Wayne Dumond, in 1999, allowing him to leave prison 25 years before his sentence was up. What was the motivation for releasing Dumond? Wait for it...wait for it...

Dumond raped a relative of Bill Clinton's and for this, the Christian Right thought he ought to be rewarded. I mean, the enemy of your enemy is your friend, right?

Huckabee rationalized his lobbying for Dumond's release by claiming "There's nothing any of us could ever do. None of us could've predicted what [Dumond] could've done when he got out."

Now the Huff has obtained letters from Dumond's victims, predicting that he would attack again and "he will not leave a witness to testify against him the next time." These letters were made available to Huckabee, yet parole was still pursued by the then-Arkansas governor. Predictably, Dumond then went on to rape and murder at least one other woman.

Does this case sound familiar? I'm referring, of course, to the skewering of Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis due to his part in the Willie Horton case.

The difference between the Dumond case and Willie Horton is the motivation for their release. When Horton committed armed robbery and rape, he was on a weekend furlough program, a work-release program supported by Michael Dukakis. It was hardly an issue of Dukakis lobbying on Horton's behalf because his future criminal behavior was unpredictable. Dukakis was supporting a program intended to better the lives of prison inmates by allowing them to enter the workforce, not releasing a convicted rapist to quench the vitriolic requests of anti-Clinton religious zealots.

Now, it seems, this case of rightwing frothing-at-the-mouth may come back to bite the Christian Right in the ass, as it could very well spell the end of Mr. Huckabee's presidential ambitions.

It would be a shame - just think how many political favors he could garner through presidential pardons of those who have raped his constituents' political enemies...

Farmer's market 10/14

I've finally decided that my favorite LA area farmer's market is the Calabasas Town farmer's market on Saturdays. It's super bourgey, but the selection is outstanding.

I think October is my favorite time for produce in Southern California. Guavas, peaches, heirloom tomatoes, and all sorts of goodies are banging right now.

I went with Corinne and we both came away with some prime produce. My purchases included:

- Guavas (for smoothies and snacking)
- Golden beets
- Japanese purple sweet potato
- Yams
- Golden and baby orange carrots
- A Chinese vegetable named jujubees (great texture with a nutty/apple flavor)
- Fairtime peaches (the last crop will probably be this weekend)
- Nectarines
- Housi pears (Asian pear which will be grilled)
- 3 lbs of badass Eucalyptus honey

Should make for a good week of eating.

"I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions, and you're going to answer them. Immediately."

It’s been a rough week for the Governator.

First, an audio clip leaks out of his office, in which he and democrat Susan Kennedy try and figure out the ethnic makeup of Assembly Woman Bonnie Garcia, with Schwarzenegger eventually offering his theory:

“She maybe is Puerto Rican or the same thing as Cuban. I mean, they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it.”

Yes, it may sound hilarious when recited in a thick Austrian accent (seriously, give it a try, out loud) but it's a bit racially insensitive and just bad politics in a state with an increasingly large Hispanic demographic.

But even more atrocious than his ethnic theory was his absolutely ridiculous appearance on Monday Night Football. The game took place between the San Diego Chargers and the Oakland Raiders, seemingly a good opportunity for the Governor to get face time when he desperately needs good exposure.

The score was 13-0, and Aaaron Brooks had been sacked five times, when Arnie steps into the booth. Oakland did nothing the entire game and was just getting pounded on both sides of the ball. It was a thoroughly dominating performance by the Chargers and the Raiders looked absolutely pathetic as a clueless Art Shell stood on the sidelines, blinking and jotting down the occassional note.

Arnold steps into the booth, shit-eating grin planted firmly across his Botox-injected face. Brad Nessler asks him about the game.

Arnold: “It’s just great, just an amazing game. Art Shell coming back to the Raiders, it’s really been a miracle performance.”

Hey Arnold, Art Shell’s team is getting their ass handed to them by Shawne Merriman. The Raiders haven’t moved the ball past the 33 yard line, and even when they did that, they were penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct.

The only miracle was that Art Shell was still awake and moving. He looked like he had popped six Xanax before kick-off and was even more bored than a recovering alcoholic member of Raider Nation.

It would be a miracle performance if Shell lasts the season. This is a team whose head coach was out of football for twelve years and whose offensive coordinator was running a bed & breakfast in Utah at this time last year. Art, the game has changed since 1994, leaving you and your coaching staff in its collective wake. The fact that Al Davis hired an old NFL retread with the clock management skills of a crackhead does have a miraculous connotation to it, but I don't think that's what Arnold intended.

I’m not asking a politician to know about football, but please, could you at least not act like you care?

Arnold goes on to talk about how he’s not only going to get Los Angeles one NFL team, but he’s going to get two. And he won’t accept a team moving from another city. He thinks “We are going to get two new teams. We want new teams. That would be better.”

Nevermind that the NFL has finally gotten eight four-team divisions and has insisted that they won’t be expanding for quite some time. Nevermind that Los Angeles was putrid in their support of both the Rams and the Raiders. Yeah, you’re right Arnie, forget the facts and bring in two “new” teams.

Lastly, Nessler asks Arnie about the drug policy in the NFL, and totally calls him out on his past steroid use. Arnold stumbles through his answer, basically saying “It’s a good policy, they should keep up their drug policy.”

Gee, thanks for the insight.

Clearly Arnold needs a new publicist. Hopefully that post won’t be needed past the November elections.

"A Faster Marshall Faulk"

At the risk of sounding like a Texas A&M or Boston Red Sox fan, I feel like the ESPN Reggie Bush Hype Machine is due for a rant.

I realize him not signing right away was a big story in pre-season camp. Fine. Tell me about how he wants #1 pick money. When he did finally sign, ESPN said, and I quote, “His deal will be far closer to Mario Williams’ deal than to #3 pick Vince Young’s.” In the end, it was about $500K more than Vince’s and about $200K less than Williams’. Wow, what a HUGE difference.

But that was just the beginning. Now that he’s in camp, that’s all we’re going to hear about.

On NFL Live today the first story was about Bush. Marc Schlereth and Sean Salisbury both slobbered all over Bush. I have come to expect this from ESPN “analysts” (particularly Salisbury, who’s a USC alum), but this exceeded even my expectations. Schlereth actually said, “He’s the most dynamic player in the National Football League”. And you know this how? From one day of non-contact drills at training camp?

Then they go on to show some Arkansas linebacker who gets burned by Bush. Salisbury says “No linebacker in college can cover him and no linebacker in the NFL can cover him.” Derrick Brooks might have something to say about that.

Bush is an amazing athlete who will probably be very good in the NFL, even as a rookie. He couldn’t have come into a better situation – a team/city desperately in need of a star and sharing the backfield with an established (and very good) running back in the NFL. McCallister and Bush will prove to be a synergistic pair, spelling each other and providing a nice change of pace for the offense.

But please, please, please, could we see him do something on the field before anointing him the mutation of Gayle Sayers, Barry Sanders, Earl Campbell, and Marshall Faulk?

So I saw Clerks II...

My first thought when I saw the link to the Clerks II trailer was “Who in their right mind greenlighted this piece of shit?” Of course, that’s a silly question, as the film is guaranteed to make $100M at the box office. Perhaps that thought should be amended to say, “What the fuck happened to Kevin Smith, that once-promising filmmaker who has slowly evolved into an embarrassment.”

Well, in order to criticize a movie you have to actually see it, so I went last night. I wanted to buy a ticket to a different movie, but I didn’t feel right giving Disney even more money for Pirates of the Caribbean, so I went with the Clerks II ticket.

Very few sequels accomplish anything other than leaving a bad taste in the audience’s mouth, and this film looked to be nothing more than a desperate attempt to rejuvenate the career of a filmmaker whose best days are behind him.

The predominant theme in Clerks II is how Dante, our protagonist, is always seemingly on the crest of the wave that is his new life. He’s always about to start something new and exciting, but his dead-end job and deadbeat friend, Randall, are holding him back, preventing him from getting on with his life. He’s 33 and has accomplished nothing. Having moved on from the Quick Stop convenience store, he’s now working the fryer at a fast food chain (the familiar Mooby’s from Dogma) and will be moving to Florida with his new fiancé, who is clearly out of his league, artificial, and controlling.

Unfortunately, this tale of stunted growth and arrested development is eerily similar to Smith’s career. In 1994 he brought us the film that put his name on the map, the original Clerks. It was fresh, raw, well-written, and while the performances left something to be desired, there was an appealing naivety to the actors, and it at least felt real. Dante was that 27-year old register jockey. Randall just didn’t give a fuck. They were authentic, and so was the look and feel of the 16mm black & white stock.

Smith seemingly had the film world at his fingertips. He went on to make several more films, and while they were funny (Mallrats in particular), none, save Dogma, presented us with anything new: he relied on his old schtick – complex and altogether-too-serious discussions about oral sex, Star Wars, and high school flings. Even Dogma, which represented the most distinct departure from Smith’s bread-and-butter dialogue-driven vehicles, had his trusty characters Jay and Silent Bob to play the Sherpa and Yeti, respectively, on our journey of enlightenment and Christianity-bashing.

Clerks II is the culmination of a filmmaker whose career has been stunted by its success. After the cult success of the original, he was unchallenged by the industry, given carte-blanche to do as he felt. Miramax knew that no Smith film would ever be a financial risk, and audiences lapped up whatever he threw at them with shit-eating grins plastered firmly on their faces. The fact is, Smith has simply half-assed it throughout his career. What other filmmaker has relied on characters and setting throughout his career like Smith has with Jay and Silent Bob and New Jersey? It’s sad, really, considering the potential Smith once had.

The film had its moment, and I can say that I genuinely laughed at times. But its use of music as a crutch (misuse in the case of my favorite Talking Heads song of all-time, "(Nothing But) Flowers"), the terrible look and feel of the glossy color film, the horribly unfunny production design, and its painfully amateurish performances (by almost everyone by the lovable Rosario Dawson) made my squirm in the theatre.

Kevin Smith, once a rising star in the world of indy-comedy, has sadly evolved into Dante Hicks.

Macaulay Culkin he is not

"Haley Joel Osment, the child actor who mesmerized audiences in "The Sixth Sense," was hospitalized this morning after the car he was driving flipped over in La Canada Flintridge, according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.

Osment, 18, apparently lost control of his 1995 Saturn and hit a brick pillar with a mailbox on Flintridge Avenue, just east of Chevy Chase Drive about 2:10 a.m., a department spokesman said. The car flipped over on its roof, and came to rest a short distance away.

Osment was taken to Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena. The injuries were not regarded as life threatening, the spokesman said.”


I found a few things funny and refreshing about that snippet. First of all, when the fuck did Haley Joel Osmant turn 18? Wasn’t he like 4 in “The Sixth Sense”?

Second of all, he drives a ’95 Saturn? What a practical kid. I’m sure he gets the oil changed on a regular basis and always gets his card punched at the car wash so that he can redeem that free 11th wash. Seriously, a Saturn?

Lastly, there was no mention of alcohol and/or drug use contributing to the accident. He’s 18. That’s like 53 in movie star years. How the fuck was he not in a drunken stupor or strung out on oxycodone? C’mon kid, this is Hollywood!

Next you’re going to tell me that he graduated from high school…