The Third Mall From the Sun

McBurns

2008-10-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

I almost feel bad for John McCain. Last night was the poorest performance from an elected official since Arnold Schwarzenegger's appearance on Monday Night Football a few years back. And, while both were filled with laughs, this is a man who could potentially be our next president. If I didn't think he was completely delusional I would say he's mailing it in. As one comment I read this morning put it, "It was like watching JFK debating Mr. Burns."

McCain was awkward, creepy, robotic, constantly teetering back and forth, at times getting so close to the audience members that they could actually smell his Brylcreem. But he still looked unsure if he should hold eye contact with those who asked the question. He made some absolute groaners in his lame attempts at humor, hoping to "connect" with the average American. Er, um, Joooooooe Sixpack.

McCain might not have looked so bad if it wasn't for his smooth-operating opponent, Barack Obama, who was graceful, engaging, and laid out his plans clearly and passionately. McCain looked like a robot on batteries that were quickly running out of juice. Generic batteries. That were made in China. By underpaid workers in a factory full of outsourced jobs. Barack was running on renewable energy compared to McCain, who for the first time truly looked geriatric and completely out of touch.

It's tough to pick out any one favorite moment from a night filled with so much comedy, but perhaps the best was when Obama laid out exactly how McCain would attack him, using false claims and strawmen arguments that Obama specifically spelled out, then summarily defeated. So how does McBurns respond? By using those exact same lines, not two minutes after Obama said them! It was like watching the '86 Bears against the 2006 Raiders. If Al Davis were coaching the Raiders. And the Bears had stolen the playbook.

Last night was the final blow in a sorry, sad campaign whose wheels have been falling off for some time now and is now grasping at straws with their negativity and mud-slinging. John McCain is going to lose this election and it's probably not going to even be close. Maybe not Reagan-Mondale, but it's looking like a landslide at this point. McCain has sold his soul to the same party that smeared him in 2000 and put his White House ambitions in front of the good of the country. I once held a high opinion of the man, and while I still applaud his service to our country, I hope that he goes out quietly while managing to keep intact the last few remaining shreds of dignity he has.

I Heart Huck-irony

2007-12-05T11:28:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this post by saying I'm not entirely sure what to make of new rightwing darling Mike Huckabee. He's always struck me as a decent, hardworking guy with good intentions. At the very least, he seemed honest - a breath of fresh air in politics, much less the GOP. But while I believe he's not a total criminal, I also disagree vehemently with many of his viewpoints. The dude's a Southern Baptist minister after all - could I really see eye-to-eye with him on more than a handful of issues?

Regardless, I can't help but let loose a cynical chuckle at this latest development, courtesy of the Huff.

In summary, Huckabee campaign hard grant parole to a convicted rapist, Wayne Dumond, in 1999, allowing him to leave prison 25 years before his sentence was up. What was the motivation for releasing Dumond? Wait for it...wait for it...

Dumond raped a relative of Bill Clinton's and for this, the Christian Right thought he ought to be rewarded. I mean, the enemy of your enemy is your friend, right?

Huckabee rationalized his lobbying for Dumond's release by claiming "There's nothing any of us could ever do. None of us could've predicted what [Dumond] could've done when he got out."

Now the Huff has obtained letters from Dumond's victims, predicting that he would attack again and "he will not leave a witness to testify against him the next time." These letters were made available to Huckabee, yet parole was still pursued by the then-Arkansas governor. Predictably, Dumond then went on to rape and murder at least one other woman.

Does this case sound familiar? I'm referring, of course, to the skewering of Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis due to his part in the Willie Horton case.

The difference between the Dumond case and Willie Horton is the motivation for their release. When Horton committed armed robbery and rape, he was on a weekend furlough program, a work-release program supported by Michael Dukakis. It was hardly an issue of Dukakis lobbying on Horton's behalf because his future criminal behavior was unpredictable. Dukakis was supporting a program intended to better the lives of prison inmates by allowing them to enter the workforce, not releasing a convicted rapist to quench the vitriolic requests of anti-Clinton religious zealots.

Now, it seems, this case of rightwing frothing-at-the-mouth may come back to bite the Christian Right in the ass, as it could very well spell the end of Mr. Huckabee's presidential ambitions.

It would be a shame - just think how many political favors he could garner through presidential pardons of those who have raped his constituents' political enemies...

Farmer's market 10/14

2006-10-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

I've finally decided that my favorite LA area farmer's market is the Calabasas Town farmer's market on Saturdays. It's super bourgey, but the selection is outstanding.

I think October is my favorite time for produce in Southern California. Guavas, peaches, heirloom tomatoes, and all sorts of goodies are banging right now.

I went with Corinne and we both came away with some prime produce. My purchases included:

- Guavas (for smoothies and snacking)
- Golden beets
- Japanese purple sweet potato
- Yams
- Golden and baby orange carrots
- A Chinese vegetable named jujubees (great texture with a nutty/apple flavor)
- Fairtime peaches (the last crop will probably be this weekend)
- Nectarines
- Housi pears (Asian pear which will be grilled)
- 3 lbs of badass Eucalyptus honey

Should make for a good week of eating.

"I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions, and you're going to answer them. Immediately."

2006-09-12T16:08:00.000-07:00

It’s been a rough week for the Governator.

First, an audio clip leaks out of his office, in which he and democrat Susan Kennedy try and figure out the ethnic makeup of Assembly Woman Bonnie Garcia, with Schwarzenegger eventually offering his theory:

“She maybe is Puerto Rican or the same thing as Cuban. I mean, they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it.”

Yes, it may sound hilarious when recited in a thick Austrian accent (seriously, give it a try, out loud) but it's a bit racially insensitive and just bad politics in a state with an increasingly large Hispanic demographic.

But even more atrocious than his ethnic theory was his absolutely ridiculous appearance on Monday Night Football. The game took place between the San Diego Chargers and the Oakland Raiders, seemingly a good opportunity for the Governor to get face time when he desperately needs good exposure.

The score was 13-0, and Aaaron Brooks had been sacked five times, when Arnie steps into the booth. Oakland did nothing the entire game and was just getting pounded on both sides of the ball. It was a thoroughly dominating performance by the Chargers and the Raiders looked absolutely pathetic as a clueless Art Shell stood on the sidelines, blinking and jotting down the occassional note.

Arnold steps into the booth, shit-eating grin planted firmly across his Botox-injected face. Brad Nessler asks him about the game.

Arnold: “It’s just great, just an amazing game. Art Shell coming back to the Raiders, it’s really been a miracle performance.”

Hey Arnold, Art Shell’s team is getting their ass handed to them by Shawne Merriman. The Raiders haven’t moved the ball past the 33 yard line, and even when they did that, they were penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct.

The only miracle was that Art Shell was still awake and moving. He looked like he had popped six Xanax before kick-off and was even more bored than a recovering alcoholic member of Raider Nation.

It would be a miracle performance if Shell lasts the season. This is a team whose head coach was out of football for twelve years and whose offensive coordinator was running a bed & breakfast in Utah at this time last year. Art, the game has changed since 1994, leaving you and your coaching staff in its collective wake. The fact that Al Davis hired an old NFL retread with the clock management skills of a crackhead does have a miraculous connotation to it, but I don't think that's what Arnold intended.

I’m not asking a politician to know about football, but please, could you at least not act like you care?

Arnold goes on to talk about how he’s not only going to get Los Angeles one NFL team, but he’s going to get two. And he won’t accept a team moving from another city. He thinks “We are going to get two new teams. We want new teams. That would be better.”

Nevermind that the NFL has finally gotten eight four-team divisions and has insisted that they won’t be expanding for quite some time. Nevermind that Los Angeles was putrid in their support of both the Rams and the Raiders. Yeah, you’re right Arnie, forget the facts and bring in two “new” teams.

Lastly, Nessler asks Arnie about the drug policy in the NFL, and totally calls him out on his past steroid use. Arnold stumbles through his answer, basically saying “It’s a good policy, they should keep up their drug policy.”

Gee, thanks for the insight.

Clearly Arnold needs a new publicist. Hopefully that post won’t be needed past the November elections.

"A Faster Marshall Faulk"

2006-08-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding like a Texas A&M or Boston Red Sox fan, I feel like the ESPN Reggie Bush Hype Machine is due for a rant.

I realize him not signing right away was a big story in pre-season camp. Fine. Tell me about how he wants #1 pick money. When he did finally sign, ESPN said, and I quote, “His deal will be far closer to Mario Williams’ deal than to #3 pick Vince Young’s.” In the end, it was about $500K more than Vince’s and about $200K less than Williams’. Wow, what a HUGE difference.

But that was just the beginning. Now that he’s in camp, that’s all we’re going to hear about.

On NFL Live today the first story was about Bush. Marc Schlereth and Sean Salisbury both slobbered all over Bush. I have come to expect this from ESPN “analysts” (particularly Salisbury, who’s a USC alum), but this exceeded even my expectations. Schlereth actually said, “He’s the most dynamic player in the National Football League”. And you know this how? From one day of non-contact drills at training camp?

Then they go on to show some Arkansas linebacker who gets burned by Bush. Salisbury says “No linebacker in college can cover him and no linebacker in the NFL can cover him.” Derrick Brooks might have something to say about that.

Bush is an amazing athlete who will probably be very good in the NFL, even as a rookie. He couldn’t have come into a better situation – a team/city desperately in need of a star and sharing the backfield with an established (and very good) running back in the NFL. McCallister and Bush will prove to be a synergistic pair, spelling each other and providing a nice change of pace for the offense.

But please, please, please, could we see him do something on the field before anointing him the mutation of Gayle Sayers, Barry Sanders, Earl Campbell, and Marshall Faulk?

So I saw Clerks II...

2006-07-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

My first thought when I saw the link to the Clerks II trailer was “Who in their right mind greenlighted this piece of shit?” Of course, that’s a silly question, as the film is guaranteed to make $100M at the box office. Perhaps that thought should be amended to say, “What the fuck happened to Kevin Smith, that once-promising filmmaker who has slowly evolved into an embarrassment.”

Well, in order to criticize a movie you have to actually see it, so I went last night. I wanted to buy a ticket to a different movie, but I didn’t feel right giving Disney even more money for Pirates of the Caribbean, so I went with the Clerks II ticket.

Very few sequels accomplish anything other than leaving a bad taste in the audience’s mouth, and this film looked to be nothing more than a desperate attempt to rejuvenate the career of a filmmaker whose best days are behind him.

The predominant theme in Clerks II is how Dante, our protagonist, is always seemingly on the crest of the wave that is his new life. He’s always about to start something new and exciting, but his dead-end job and deadbeat friend, Randall, are holding him back, preventing him from getting on with his life. He’s 33 and has accomplished nothing. Having moved on from the Quick Stop convenience store, he’s now working the fryer at a fast food chain (the familiar Mooby’s from Dogma) and will be moving to Florida with his new fiancé, who is clearly out of his league, artificial, and controlling.

Unfortunately, this tale of stunted growth and arrested development is eerily similar to Smith’s career. In 1994 he brought us the film that put his name on the map, the original Clerks. It was fresh, raw, well-written, and while the performances left something to be desired, there was an appealing naivety to the actors, and it at least felt real. Dante was that 27-year old register jockey. Randall just didn’t give a fuck. They were authentic, and so was the look and feel of the 16mm black & white stock.

Smith seemingly had the film world at his fingertips. He went on to make several more films, and while they were funny (Mallrats in particular), none, save Dogma, presented us with anything new: he relied on his old schtick – complex and altogether-too-serious discussions about oral sex, Star Wars, and high school flings. Even Dogma, which represented the most distinct departure from Smith’s bread-and-butter dialogue-driven vehicles, had his trusty characters Jay and Silent Bob to play the Sherpa and Yeti, respectively, on our journey of enlightenment and Christianity-bashing.

Clerks II is the culmination of a filmmaker whose career has been stunted by its success. After the cult success of the original, he was unchallenged by the industry, given carte-blanche to do as he felt. Miramax knew that no Smith film would ever be a financial risk, and audiences lapped up whatever he threw at them with shit-eating grins plastered firmly on their faces. The fact is, Smith has simply half-assed it throughout his career. What other filmmaker has relied on characters and setting throughout his career like Smith has with Jay and Silent Bob and New Jersey? It’s sad, really, considering the potential Smith once had.

The film had its moment, and I can say that I genuinely laughed at times. But its use of music as a crutch (misuse in the case of my favorite Talking Heads song of all-time, "(Nothing But) Flowers"), the terrible look and feel of the glossy color film, the horribly unfunny production design, and its painfully amateurish performances (by almost everyone by the lovable Rosario Dawson) made my squirm in the theatre.

Kevin Smith, once a rising star in the world of indy-comedy, has sadly evolved into Dante Hicks.

Macaulay Culkin he is not

2006-07-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

"Haley Joel Osment, the child actor who mesmerized audiences in "The Sixth Sense," was hospitalized this morning after the car he was driving flipped over in La Canada Flintridge, according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.

Osment, 18, apparently lost control of his 1995 Saturn and hit a brick pillar with a mailbox on Flintridge Avenue, just east of Chevy Chase Drive about 2:10 a.m., a department spokesman said. The car flipped over on its roof, and came to rest a short distance away.

Osment was taken to Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena. The injuries were not regarded as life threatening, the spokesman said.”

I found a few things funny and refreshing about that snippet. First of all, when the fuck did Haley Joel Osmant turn 18? Wasn’t he like 4 in “The Sixth Sense”?

Second of all, he drives a ’95 Saturn? What a practical kid. I’m sure he gets the oil changed on a regular basis and always gets his card punched at the car wash so that he can redeem that free 11th wash. Seriously, a Saturn?

Lastly, there was no mention of alcohol and/or drug use contributing to the accident. He’s 18. That’s like 53 in movie star years. How the fuck was he not in a drunken stupor or strung out on oxycodone? C’mon kid, this is Hollywood!

Next you’re going to tell me that he graduated from high school…

Foiled again

2006-07-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought justice had been served, Ken Lay finds a way to weasel his way out, yet again.

Indicted on multiple counts of fraud and various other white-collar crimes, Lay faced the prospect of the rest of his life in a federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison. Mr. Lay died of a heart attack July 5, 2006, before he was ever sentenced, and due to his death his guilt will technically cease to exist in history books.

There is little doubt in my mind that Lay deserved to have his remaining days be filled with misery and pain. He fleeced the country (specifically California) of hundreds of millions of dollars and swindled millions more from the very people who had spent their entire lives working for his company. Most of them are left with little to nothing, all thanks to Lay and his cohort Jeffrey Skilling.

I was in Berlin at the time of Lay’s *ahem untimely death, and was caught a bit off-guard when I heard Larry King ask George W. Bush about Lay’s death in an interview. I had predicted after the guilty verdict that Lay would take his own life (a man with such little integrity as himself would hardly have the character to do the time he deserved and it would no doubt be the easy way out), but it came as a bit of a surprise nonetheless.

When I read the cause of death – heart attack due to coronary disease – I almost chuckled. Are you serious? A heart attack?

I just can’t believe that this was anything but a suicide or a faked death. There is no doubt in my mind that this prick wanted to die, rather than spending any time in jail, but a suicide would void his life insurance policy.

Of course, this conspiracy theory will never be investigated. It’s not worth anyone’s time and the prick is dead, so popular opinion will let a sleeping dog lie.

But I feel it should be. Not that I want his wife to be deprived of Lay’s fortune, but because this is one more way in which Ken Lay has managed to slip out of what he had coming to him.

If hell exists, Mr. Lay is surely there, roasting marshmallows with Ronald Reagan. I only hope that his life in the afterworld is filled with misery, pain, and torture. He deserves no less.

Ads before ads

2006-06-13T18:44:00.000-07:00

So last night we went to see Robert Altman's new film "A Prairie Home Companion". I'm not normally prone to making spontaneous decisions while in line at the movie theatre, but we decided to change our minds and see "Cars" instead.

While we were waiting for the later showtime to start, I suggested we catch the first twenty minutes of "Prairie Home". We go in the theatre and what do we see? Ads of course.

It was 9:50 and "Prairie Home" was scheduled to start at 9:40. They hadn't even gotten to the previews yet! Why the hell are we forced to sit through advertisements before we see advertisements for upcoming movies? Not only are you charged $10 for admission, but you're being sold to advertisers.

I particularly love the ads they run before the ads they run before the movie commercials. You know, the ones that show Coca-Cola in a movie scene, or "freeze frames"? They throw in bits of trivia as pacifiers ("wow, Jamie Foxx had to wear a prosthetic eye for 14 hours a day on the set of 'Ray'!?! Who'da thunk?") to keep your eyes glued to their huge moving billboard.

Then it's on to the "real ads". The Sprite commercials, the ads for Pizza Hut, etc. After about five minutes of these, we get the "good commercials", movie previews. Fifteen minutes later, we see the AMC-type ads. You know, the funny ones telling you turn off your cell phone, all while bombarding you with their corporate logo and goofy/lovable theatre mascot?

Finally, after all this, we see the movie. The one they charged us admission for. If you're lucky, it will be good. And it's sure to be filled with plenty of product placement, just in case you missed the first twenty minutes of the theatrical program.

Apples & Oranges

2006-06-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

Coming soon to a bumblefuck, redneck town near you: organically-grown Oreos! Sounds great, doesn’t it?

A few weeks back, our favorite big-box, mega-corporation, Wal-Mart, announced that they would be offering organically-grown food at their hundreds of stores nationwide. No longer will your selection of foods be limited to Red-Hot Cheetos, Capri Sun, or Rollos, but now you’ll be able to get a wide variety of food grown without the use of pesticides, herbicides, or chemical fertilizers. It’s a win-win situation, right?

Wal-Mart accounts for an astronomical 16% of all retail sales in the United States. In many towns, Wal-Mart has become the only option for consumers, who have embraced their bargain-basement prices on everything from tents to tires to basketball pumps.

Organic foods has long been a niche market, but it has rapidly expanded over the past few years, becoming the fastest-growing sector of the agricultural industry. This has been aided by the passing of the USDA Organic Foods standard, which replaced the more stringent and better-intentioned California Organic Foods Act of 1990. Now there is a national standard for organic foods, though it took over twelve years to pass, with much lobbying and watering-down in the D.C. beltway.

Wal-Mart is clearly making an effort to capitalize on this market, and with that will surely come further tampering of our organic standards. Wal-Mart will buy their organic products solely from the providers who can offer their goods at the prices Wal-Mart customers have grown accustomed to, and this will have terrible effects on the organic foods industry.

Whereas traditional organic farmers rotate crops and grow at small-scale operations, Wal-Mart will soon place an incentive on mono-agriculture and the typical practices at factory farms. Organic producers for Wal-Mart will bend the rules as far as they can go, and will be backed by the lobbyists in D.C. who will stretch those rules even further.

This is clearly NOT the intention of the organic industry. The idea behind organic food is buying from local producers and buying seasonal crops, from small-scale farmers who nurture the earth. Out of this comes better food, which comes at a slightly higher cost, though in terms of quality and health that you receive from the food, it really all equals out.

While Wal-Mart’s offering of organic produce will certainly have some positive effects – the reduction of pesticides and chemical fertilizers (of which many are carcinogens that are entering our groundwater supply), and further consciousness of organic foods – it comes at a cost.

Consumers who have been buying organic for years are not likely to go to their local Wal-Mart for their bok choy or carrots, and so the small organic farms who have grown organically for years will probably still stay afloat. But the fact remains: Wal-Mart will contribute to the further degradation of organic food standards and they are only looking out for their bottom line.

The best advice is to continue to buy locally and support the little guys who have their hearts and minds in the right place. But if you’re gonna buy those Oreo’s at Wal-Mart, at least you now have the option of pesticide-free cookies.

2006-05-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

As American as...

Apple pie and baseball. The quintessential American nouns, right? I say fuck that. The real adage should be “As American as hot dogs, SUV’s, and all-you-can-eat buffets.” Maybe replace baseball with NASCAR - the rubber-burning, oil-wasting pastime which has now become the #1 “sport” in this country - and apple pies with McDonalds apple pies – those partially hydrogenated oil-filled desserts, loaded with sugar, a flaky crust, and 13 grams of fat. Those are the real values of the post-WWII America.

Is it possible to get more American than a hot dog? I say yes, but it has to be a televised event, complete with media hype, where grown men compete to see how many hot dogs they can eat in an allotted time. It goes without say that this competition be televised on Fox.

And that, dear readers, is why today marks a watershed event in American culture. Joey Chestnut, a 22-year old engineering student at San Jose State, set a new American record, eating 50 hot dogs (and buns!) in 12 minutes. He moves on to face Japanese eating ace Takeru Kobayashi, the 5-time hot dog-eating contest champion, in the World Championships, held where else but Coney Island on America’s birthday, July 4th. In his last four outings, Mr. Kobayashi (no, not the villain from “The Usual Suspects”) has failed to reach the 50-hotdog benchmark.

As disgusting as this is, some people actually take this seriously. There is even an International Federation of Competitive Eating, whose chairman, George Shea said the following of Mr. Chestnut: “The Fourth of July has been stolen from Americans because of Kobayashi's dominance and now America has someone who they can get excited about."

It wouldn’t surprise me if there was a large group of American competitive-eating fans who truly feel that the Fourth of July has been stolen from them. As much as I love about the United States – the opportunities afforded, the high standard of living, the, dare I say, freedoms we have – it also has the ability to turn my stomach with our insatiable appetite for almost everything – energy, food, consumerism. Nothing quite sums up the ugly side of American hyper-gluttony quite like a hot dog-eating contest. And I fully expect us to regain the crown that’s rightfully ours.

2006-05-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

When I was in fifth grade we had a French foreign exchange student living at our house for a year. The moppy-haired surfer named Lionel was overall a good guy, though some of my family members may beg to differ with me on that.

In addition to introducing me to drugs (no, he didn’t actually give me drugs, but I knew he smoked a lot of pot), the greatness of Jimi Hendrix, and the beauty of the south of France, Lionel is also responsible for acquainting my family with the most amazing video game ever created: Lemmings.

At Lionel’s suggestion, my dad bought the family the Lemmings software one year for Christmas. I’m not hyperbolizing when I say it changed our lives. We were glued to the computer. When someone finished a level without the other two siblings there, we got pissed. Lemmings was our journey together. I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me I spent three hundred hours playing that game.

What makes Lemmings so great? I can’t really put my finger on it. What makes Tetris so great?

Lemmings is simple problem-solving game where you have to rescue a certain percentage of the little guys as they fall from the sky. Like their real-life counterparts, they walk in a straight line until they’re commanded to do something: dig, build a bridge, bash through a wall, etc. You only have a set amount of each command, which varies per level.

It’s tough to say which lemming is my favorite. I’m apt to say basher. He’s a tough motherfucker that can bash his way through almost anything: dirt, plant roots, stone. The only material basher has met that he can’t plow through is that pesky titanium steel. But even dynamite lemming can’t get through that shit.

I like digger a lot too. Dude’s got stamina. He digs, with his bare hands no less, and doesn’t stop till he’s hit paydirt. Persistence, along with an uncanny ability to scoop his way through rocks, stones, worms and all the other shit he hits along the way, are his best attributes.

Umbrella man is pretty cool too, but you usually only get a few of them. He parachutes those long distances that would otherwise see him splat like a packet of ketchup off the Empire State building. He’s bold, a trailblazer, leading the pack on their way to the promised land. Usually umbrella man does the thankless duty of building a bridge so that his umbrella-less brethren can make the long journey unscathed.

Blocker is perhaps the most selfless of the lemmings. He’s there to make sure no one gets in the way of your trailblazer who’s clearing the path. Not only is he thorough (looking both ways as he halts the lemming parade), he’s a cheerful bloke, whistling while on the job (at least I think he’s whistling). Not only is he incredibly efficient, he’s a total team player; he knows his inevitable fate of being blown to smithereens like a Black Cat on Chinese New Year. Without you blocker, we’d all be toast.
Climber has the unique ability to scale any wall, no matter the material. Skilled, yes, but also brave. He too possesses the Lewis & Clark-like ability to go where no Lemming has gone before.

Miner’s another one with endurance. He wields that pickaxe like Bobby Jones with a putter. You got a job that basher or digger can’t handle? Call up Mr. Miner. He’ll tear through that shit like Roger Ebert with a bag of Funyuns.

If all of this made you feel like a dog watching at a card trick, I highly suggest you check out Lemmings DHTML for a taste of the game. You may find yourself reaching all-time lows of productivity, but at least you’ll know discover one of the more enjoyable aspects of life.

2006-05-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

Robot of the Week - May 1, 2006

Robot of the Week: Charlie Casserly, Houston Texans GM.
Clearly someone hacked into his cyborg brain and re-programmed it: he passed up Reggie Bush and Vince Young, opting to take Mario Williams. Dude, you could have easily traded down and gotten either Williams or D’Brickashaw Ferguson, who will be a rock at LT for the next 10-12 years.
Cyborg Rating: 8.1

Honorable mention: Kobe Bryant
His end of the game heroics were something out of Double-Dribble, the world’s best video game ever.

2006-04-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

As if you needed another reason to hate Alabama.

Last Tuesday, the Alabama legislature voted to pardon civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks, more than fifty years after she refused to move to the back of a Birmingham city bus. Fifty fucking years it took these Bible-bangers to excuse a woman of her “crime” of asking to be treated equally.

But that’s not all. While the “Rosa Parks Bill” passed unanimously in the state House of Representatives, three state senators opposed it, and voted against it.

I’m curious as to their explanation. I hope that it has something to do with the fact that by pardoning her, they’re recognizing her actions as a crime, which is insulting to her and the rest of the civil rights leaders from the 60’s. That would be admirable.

I can’t really envision anyone in their right mind voting against this bill, except for the reason mentioned above. But this is Alabama we’re talking about. This is the home of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Auburn football, and the Talladega Superspeedway.

2006-04-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

Hipstermobile

Hipster - One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool. (Note: it is no longer recommended that one use the term "cool"; a Hipster would instead say "deck.") The Hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream. A Hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat. (From Robert Lanhams The Hipster Handbook)

So Im driving down the I-10 after a nice run on the beach in Venice. Its 3:45 so traffics pretty shitty. Im doing the normal speed up to twenty, brake for fifteen seconds, speed up to twenty, brake again, etc.. I glance over to the right of me and see this mildly cute hipster chick.

I gotta say I find the whole hipster movement kind of funny, especially here in L.A. Now dont get me wrong, I like the irony as art thing. I mean, Ive been advocating the moustache for years (Im just disappointed its taken so long to catch on and its mostly thanks to all the hipsters).

So while I appreciate someone wearing their Members Only jacket or L.A Gears, I also think its gotten a little out of hand. We were at some uber-hipster party the other night in Echo Park (Silverlake is WAYYY overdone) and it was fucking hilarious. I seriously thought it was a theme party. I half-expected someone to announce the winner of the hipster costume party.

But back to the hipster chick next to me on the I-10. She was driving a pink Ford Taurus station wagon, circa 1993. Now, maybe she was just running errands for some family that she nannies and decided to take the ol wagon for a cruise, but I really think she bought the car for the sheer self-deprecating value of it. I mean, seriously, is there an uglier car than this:

It makes sense I guess, considering how image-conscious this city is, especially when it comes to ones vehicle, but I think driving around an ugly-ass car for the ironic fashion sense of it is going one step too far. And shes definitely not the only one Ive seen doing it. I guess we should expect to see more Chevy Cavaliers and Geo Metros on the road soon.

And if this trend ever reaches Austin, Texas, I know wholl be driving me around in the deckest wheels in town: Ethan Frederick Greene.

2006-04-09T11:48:00.000-07:00

Crash & Burn

Words can't describe my white-hot hate for this year's Oscar-winning, joke of a film "Crash". I had heard mixed reviews about the film, and even recall wanting to see it in the theatre due to good reviews, but hadn't gotten around to seeing it until about a week ago. Despite the fact that I feel stupider for having watched it, I certainly don't regret seeing it. Now I've got a simple litmus test for every new person I meet: "Have you seen "Crash"? Did you like it?" If they answer yes to both of them, I don't need to waste my time with them anymore. Anyone who thinks this trite, contrived, self-righteous, over-acted, poorly written, cliche caricature of the current state of race relations in the United States is remotely good or accurate need not apply to be my friend. Or acquaintance.

I knew I was going to hate it from the moment Don Cheadle spews this absolute laugher of a line: "It's the sense of touch...Any real city, you walk, you're bumped, brush past people. In L.A, no one touches you...We're always behind metal and glass. Think we miss that touch so much, we crash into each other just to feel something."

Are you fucking kidding me? How did any exec read that cornball and think this movie was going to be anything but a total piece of shit? Don Cheadle, you may have kicked ass as Buck Swope in "Boogie Nights", enlightened people about a horrific tragedy in "Hotel Rwanda", but you should be forced to turn in your SAG membership for ever agreeing to be in this steaming pile of shit. Sandra Bullock, Brandon Fraser, and Matt Dillon? I can understand their washed-up asses being in this movie, but Cheadle, c'mon man, you still had some credibility. You should hang your head in shame.

So why all the hate for what seems like a socially-conscious, award-winning film? Let's just take a look at one of the storylines and analyze a few scenes.

Early in the film, we see a Persian man and his daughter at a gun store, attempting to purchase a firearm, and we're clued in from their conversation that said Persian man wants to protect his shop from those dangerous minorities. Fair enough. Of course, this man happens to be a hot-head, and the gun store employee is a cracker-ass redneck, or close enough. A heated discussion ensues, the highlights being the Persian man speaking broken English, yelling at the employee, with him firing back "Plan your Jihad on your own time, Osama!"

Now I'm not arguing that thoughts like that don't go through the heads of lots of people. I'm not denying the fact that ignorant, racist people exist. I'm just saying that very few people are as obtuse as EVERY SINGLE character in this fucking movie, blurting out the most excessively racist one-liners at every possible opportunity. Each scene tops the previous one, as if just one of these cartoonish portrayals of racism/bigotry isn't enough.

But let's get back to the previous scene. The Persian dude leaves the store and his daughter buys the gun and bullets, after the store employee refuses to give them their money back (one of the dozen or so inexplicable plot points in the film). She also purchases a red box of ammo, even after the employee asks if she knows what she's buying.

Cut to later in the film, where the Persian man's store was broken into, with him believing it was the Mexican guy who fixed his locks. He goes after the man with his gun in hand. Of course, right as he's about to blow the dude away, the guy's daughter comes running out to save her dad, thinking she's got an "inpenetreble cloak", as told to her by her father earlier in the film. While she's playing Secret Service agent to her father's president (in slo-mo with the corniest music imaginable), the man pulls the trigger, seemingly killing the poor innocent chiquita. But nothing happens; she and her father's lives are spared, magically.

What follows is not regret, guilt, self-loathing, or contemplation on the part of the Persian man, but happiness. If that's not bad enough, director Paul Haggis gives us a gratuitous shot of the box of bullets, for the absolute fucking idiots who didn't understand what happened. The box, of course, reads "Blanks". Thanks Paul, we needed to be hit over the head with the proverbial frying pan in order to understand that she wasn't actually wearing an "inpenetreble cloak".

The film is just a trainwreck. It's got the subtlety of a grizzly bear mauling. Every single character not only holds shallow prejudices, but is more than willing to loudly voice the stereotypes engrained in their pea-brained minds.

I would have loved to been on-set during the filming. After each take, I'm sure everyone on set just thought they were making a ground-breaking, conscious-raising statement, sure to induce tears from everyone in the theatre. I'm sure the thought "We're changing the world" was a common one during production.

The saddest part of all is that this film does nothing but trivialize the very idea of prejudice and racism. It paints such a laughable picture of today's social problems that it's easy to find comfort in what is a somewhat scary and depressing reality. Perhaps if the film's tone had been turned down to only slightly-unrealistic, it would have accomplished what it had set out to do. Instead, it remains a relic for future generations to laugh at. I know I did.

2006-03-22T11:46:00.000-08:00

Your MySpace Sucks
(originally published Mar 22, 2006)

There are lots of idiots on myspace. Here are my bones to pick with them and their stupid pages:

Annoying bulletins
Yes, you posting that lame-ass bulletin about your favorite this or that, some stupid joke that I'm supposed to re-post, or how I can somehow see who's looking at my pageI don't give a fuck. In fact, I fucking hate it, even though I somehow can't turn away. You post enough of these bulletins and you're cut off. I get enough spam, junk mail, and other shit I don't want to look at. I don't need to read some stupid bulletin spoofing primetime TV shows using the word vagina. "Gray's Vagina" is not remotely clever or funny, and neither were the 72 other responses. So stop it. Please.

"Most Popular Searches"
Who the fuck is "My Chemical Romance" and who is constantly searching for them? According to the "most popular searches" bar, they're the third most searched for thing on MySpace, so either they're a huge hit or they've fellated "Tom" enough to get their name fucking everywhere. I'm guessing it's the latter.

Girls who put their profile picture as them and their hot friend.
Look, if I clicked on your page because one of the girls in the profile picture was hot, then I find out it's not you, I'm gonna be pretty disappointed. Then I'm going to find them among your list of friends and leave your page. Immediately.

Pages that play songs.
I'm on my computer, listening to KEXP or something in my music collection, then suddenly on comes Neil Diamond's "Crunchy Granola Suite". Yes, it's funny and kitschy, but I'm listening to my own music. And it's probably a lot better than the shit on your page. Please spare me the effort of clicking on the pause button to stop the annoying noise emanating from your page, especially b/c I'm probably going to have to do it multiple times after clicking through your comments, pictures, etc, then back to your homepage, only to have that shit start again. If you were meant to be a DJ you'd be doing it by now.

People who overload their spaces with pictures, colors, annoying backgrounds, etc.
If yours is one of those pages that looks like someone just puked up four years worth of Polaroids, I think it's safe to say you obviously weren't a design major. That shit is distracting. If you want people to actually be able to read how much you love Mediterranean food and how your favorite character from Goonies was "Data", then you're gonna have to come up with a simpler, more well thought-out color scheme than yellow on white.

Guys who only have girls in their "Top 8"
Listen dude, no one thinks you're cool because you have a bunch of blonde chicks in your top eight. Fact is, you probably don't even know half of them. Your attempt at fooling people into thinking you're some sort of Casanova is sadly transparent and succeeds only in making you look like the assclown that you truly are.

Bands that want to become my "friend"
If I don't personally know you or have been to one of your shows, I don't want to become your friend. Maybe your band should get a real website? Just a thought.

2006-03-09T11:45:00.000-08:00

Fakin' It

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." – W.C. Fields

Unfortunately most people in the world do not. It's all about the bottom line for the producers and the money saved for consumers. The result? Our current landscape in the world of global food supply.

Have you been to a big-box grocery store lately? I have, and it's a scary thing. The shelves are filled with brands and advertisements, not food.

The grocery stores in California are an interesting dichotomy: on the one hand there are Trader Joe's and Whole Foods everywhere you look; but if you don't go to one of those stores, you're pretty much stuck with an abundance of fake food. Safeway, Ralph's, even Gelson's (a wanna-be upscale "market") are filled with food that is simply not real: no nutritional value, loaded with hydrogenated oils, growth hormones, and pesticides, and much of it genetically modified.

What has happened to us as a society that has created this situation? We as consumers have allowed the food industry to shove this shit down our throats. We value cost over nutrition, convenience over sustenance, low-carbs/low-fat over being nourished. Our apathy has gotten the best of us, and when it comes to what we're putting in our bodies, that is a scary thought.

American family farmers are a dying breed. We have contributed to their detriment by patronizing the low-cost, massive big-box grocery stores that are in cahoots with factory farms.

We need to invigorate the people who have spent generations working in fields, growing quality food that you can eat with a clear conscious. I'm blown away by the amazing quality and diversity of food that the farmers' markets in L.A. provide. Baby bok choy, pistachios, pomegranates, cocktail grapefruit, strawberries, broccoli, artichoke, aragula, key limes, grass-fed bison, eggs, smoked cheeses, dried apricots, etc. All of it fresh and 100% organic. It's incredibly satisfying buying food from the person who grew it.

I realize that not everyone has the ability to go to their local farmers' markets all the time. But what you can do is patronize your local food co-op, natural food stores, and buy consciously. Buy locally. Buy organic. Run with the little guy.

2006-02-07T11:44:00.000-08:00

Europeans Are Deep Sleepers

Disclaimer: the following is about politics. If that makes your head hurt, you might not want to proceed.

I must also state that I am not the author of the following dissertation, as you will probably figure out soon enough. The reason I'm posting this under my blog is because it is a very thought-provoking article, and one that falls decidedly right of center. While I tend to lean left on most (not all) issues, I find this to be a pretty water-tight argument. My biggest problem with lefty politics is the pie-in-the-sky dillusion that often permeates it. I think the author here takes a level-headed, reality-based approach to our current political landscape, while presenting a fair and respectful, though somewhat disturbing debate.

Enjoy!

***************************************************************************

I make this conclusion because they need LOUD wake-up calls.

Is the current islamic uproar over cartoons a wakeup call to Europe?

In 1939, they needed Germany to actually invade Poland before they woke up and realized that appeasement was, just maybe, not the best route to go with an insane meglomaniacal gov't running Germany. The regular alarms before (see the Sudetenland) didn't even budge the rest of Europe from their slumber.

As for the conflict with Islam:

Europe has been able to rationalize away the conflict between the Islamic world and the U.S. -- The US has policies of hegemony, the US works hand-in-hand with Israel, the US has meddled in middle eastern politics and governments, the US pissed off the islamic world when it invaded Iraq, etc. etc. The point being that the reason the US was attacked by islamofacism is because of US misconduct, and NOT because of some cultural gap between civilization and barbarism.

If that's the case, then how do we explain the fact that Denmark -- freaking DENMARK -- is under attack throughout the muslim world? Embassies burned, citizens attacked, the whole nine yards. For what? Hegemony, invasion, support of Israel? Nope. Cartoons. Pen and ink drawings.

The war between islamic extremism and the West is NOT about US misconduct (not that this excuses US misconduct/poor choices, nor does it mean that many US actions have exacerbated the situation). It is about a cultural gap that is an unbridgeable gulf. It is about a civilization that has learned to respect pluralism and liberties, and basic human rights (and yes, the execution isn't always perfect, but the framework is pretty solid) vs. a barbarian culture that responds to any affront or matter of dislike one way -- with violence.

I am reminded of the old "Far Side" cartoon, with the veterinarian's textbook for treating horses. For each ailment, the prescribed treatment was the same -- "Chipped hoof -- shoot. Broken tooth -- shoot." The Islamic world is much the same -- "Support Israel -- death. Woman talking to man in public -- death. Write a book about islam (see Rushdie) -- death. Cartoon showing the prophet -- death. Take an extra penny from the "take a penny/leave a penny" cup at the store -- death."

I know that we cannot officially take this position, but the reality is painfully obvious -- the culture of Islam, which has become synonymous with the faith, is incompatible with the most sacred of Western ideals -- our rights and liberties.

What makes the West strong, and good, is those core rights and liberties. I am free to practice the religion of my choice. I am free to speak as I wish. I am free to publish cartoons as I wish. Rights are the same for all, without regard to gender. THEY are what make us special. THEY are what make us great.

They are also fundamentally incompatible with Islam. And how long will some of you insist that Islam is a religion of peace, and that these are just a few bad apples? Actually, the MAJORITY of the muslim world opposes Western free speech (see the cartoons and the uniform reaction among muslims, with only a handful of exceptions). Has it occurred to you that the outliers are NOT the violent extremists, but instead are the muslims who have lived in the West long enough to compromise their islamic culture so as to allow for things that islam itself does not tolerate?

The West IS at war with Islam. I doubt that we can ever say this, again, for the diplomatic reason that we need to do our best to win hearts and minds, and to try to win this war without making it a global war of extermination. But it is not inconceivable to me that someday, the pretense will be dropped. Perhaps that will be the day that Iran detonates nuclear devices in Tel Aviv, London, and New York. Perhaps it will be the day that all Westerners living in muslim countries are killed in a bloody purge. But it is well within the realm of possibility.

Islam does not value liberty (see above). Islam does not value life (see the reaction of violence to everything). With these core tenets,and the fact that their culture has them convinced that dying is not a bad thing, especially if it is in a holy war, there is NO real deterrent against them doing something suicidal, like setting off nukes in 3 Western cities, even though the reprisal will wipe out Tehran.

The emprical evidence is rather clear -- moderate islam is the exception. Violent islam, with no respect for the most fundamental Western rights (and indeed violent opposition to them), is the rule. And again, don't get sidetracked by discussing the islam of academic theology (religion of peace, etc.) -- islam is a culture, based on centuries of barbarism, that has coopted a religion to rationalize and support that barbarism.

The violence against countries like Denmark, which did no more than an act of CULTURE, demonstrates the incompatibility of the two cultures.

Western rights, liberties, and freedoms, are fundamentally incompatible with Islam. And now, Islam attacks
(note -- not "criticizes," but "attacks") the West for exercising those rights and liberties within their own borders.

When will Europe (other than Tony Blair) realize that the war against them began a long time ago? What will be the Poland of the new century?

The alarm is so loud that my ears are ringing. Can Europe hear it?

2006-02-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

Going Postal

So I recently gotten a daily subscription to the New York Times. It is pure greatness. As I was trying my best to read every goddamn article in the paper yesterday, I came across a story about the most recent rampage by a US Postal Service worker.

The first thing that crossed my mind was how much it must suck to work at the post office. You always hear really bad jokes about "going postal on your ass!" and shit like that, but the thing is that it really happens. If your job is so bad that there is a catch-phrase about people in your profession shooting up your place of employment, I'd consider a career change.

The woman who most recently "went postal!" is Jennifer Sanmarco, a 44-year old woman with a long history of mental problems. In addition to this, Ms. Sanmarco was also known for making many racist comments with her co-workers.

She was relieved of her postal duties in 2003, due to her psychological issues and off-color comments, and opted to relocate to New Mexico. It was in Milan, NM that Ms. Sanmarcos decided to launch a newspaper, which she could use as a mouthpiece for her, *ahem*, eccentric views. The name of her publication? "The Racist Press".

Am I wrong for finding that name just absolutely hilarious? "The Racist Press"?!? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Not "The Aryan National" or something resembling a "newspaper", but "The Racist Press". I wonder how shocked and confused Jenny was when her application for a business license was turned down.

I can empathize with postal workers. I've stood in line at a post office, and fifteen minutes seems like a fucking eternity. Their job probably sucks worse than a watching a middle school girls basketball game, but at least there you can buy some Red Vines.

My only question is why don't DMV workers go on shooting sprees?

2006-01-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

So Bad It's Good

I fucking love really, really bad things. I might actually like them more than good things, but only if they're bad enough to be good. I'm talking about movies like Gymkata, Blind Fury, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, and anything Steven Segal has been in. Up until now, I thought that nothing could top these films in terms of bad-goodness. Well, possibly Jean Claud van Damme's masterpiece, "Lionheart".

But hold on folks, this summer could see the release of quite possibly the best bad movie of all time: the Samuel L. Jackson vehicle, aptly titled "Snakes on a Plane". That's right, the name of the movie is "Snakes on a Plane". Snakes on a fucking plane. It doesn't get much blunter than that.

The logline, courtesy of IMDB.com reads "On board a flight over the Pacific Ocean, an assassin, bent on killing a passenger who's a witness in protective custody, lets loose a crate full of deadly snakes".

So let me get this straight: somebody wants a key witness dead, so they hire a hitman to do the job. Now, I've never hired a hitman, but I assume one of the things you look for in a hitman is their track record, references, etc.

"So I need someone dead, but they're in protective custody. How would you go about killing this person?"

"Well, first of all, I'd like to thank you for this opportunity. Jobs like this don't come along very often and I really appreciate you considering me as a candidate. As you can see on my resume, I've been a hitman for six years and I have an impressive track record: eight contracts, eight kills. I'm efficient, thorough, and I'm a real people person. Customer satisfaction is my number one goal."

"Excellent. Now, as I mentioned before, this witness is in protective custody. How would you deal with these difficult parameters?"

"Can you give me a minute? I just would like to gather my thoughts" (long pause) I've got it! Just as this key witness is flying over the Marshall Islands, I'll unleash a crate of yellow adders. They will pounce on said witness, killing him and the special agents assigned to his protective custody."

"You know kid, you're not the most experienced, but you really think outside the box. You're hired!"

Now, other than the fact that there would never be "a crate of deadly snakes" on a passenger plane, this plot sounds totally plausible. Forget the standard assassin techniques like long-range sniper fire or poison, let's kill him by unleashing snakes on a plane. There's no escaping a on plane!

I'm just wondering who Sam Jackson is playing. The witness (unlikely), the assassin (slightly more probable), or the badass special agent in charge of the witness' protection? I think we have a winner here.

This movie is Passenger 57 meets Anaconda. How fucking beautiful is that? I can't imagine a combination of worse movies, and I can't wait to see this shit. I only wish Wesley Snipes was cast in the lead. Always bet on black!

************Update*******************
So I found a website dedicated to this masterpiece, called Snakesonablog.com. Fucking brilliant.

Apparently a sequel is in the works, and it looks like it could rival the original:

2006-01-03T11:38:00.000-08:00

Coming Up Roses
(an article I read on Hornfans.com)

So here we are, the night before the biggest game for the University of Texas in my lifetime. When we defeated CU for the Big 12 title 4 weeks ago, I assumed we were going to face an endless parade of hype surrounding one of the greatest potential match-ups ever in college football until the gun sounded and the ball was kicked off. That assumption was partially correct. The hype has certainly been there…for USC. What baffles me is the utter lack of credit handed to this Texas team by virtually all pundits within the media. Tom Deinhart and a few others aside, most of what we can count on is that, at best, we can come close in a shootout. Nevermind actually winning…

USC brings plenty to the table, as even the talking heads from obscure channels like CSTV and Fox Sports have paid witness, but the details of the Texas demise have been greatly exaggerated. When we lay an incredibly smooth buttfucking down on this USC squad, this team will be answering more than just the question of what a Trojan is good for. Among other questions, let's address some preliminarily.

"But, Pete Carroll has 4 weeks to prepare!?!"

Well, listen, the guy is going to need it. This defense he's fielding isn't what he, or any discerning USC fan, should be used to comparatively typing. They're young all over the field and they're decidedly average on top of that. Oscar Lua may one day wind up being talented at something other than physically assaulting someone 75 pounds his lesser, but as of right now, he brings little to the table at MLB. His counterparts in the LB corps are pedestrian at best and they're better than Carroll's corners. The DL is ok, but it's nothing this Texas offense hasn't faced before.

Anyone paying attention to what the USC sources are saying knows that USC thinks they're going to throw some things at VY that he's never seen before. They also think they've been preparing well for him with one of their TEs or H-Backs. Haven't we heard that before? The reality is, they have no concept of the whirlwind they're about to reap. VY is inimitable and certainly can't be compared to some guy of comparable size at the H-Back spot. Let them go on believing that they're ready for him, as so many have done before. The one team that actually defended this offense ok, the Buckeyes, had strong LB play to actually almost play a role in controlling VY. Not even they could get the W and those LBs have men like Oscar Lua in their stool.

USC's defense and the wizard Pete Carroll do have several things going for them that should give us all pause. One, they lead the nation in turnover margin. Two, their secondary is trained to recognize patterns as they present themselves throughout a game and then fill those lanes as the game goes on in order to make quick picks and pile on the turnovers. I have zero doubt that Texas will turn the ball over a few times. VY fumbles a lot. It is the nature in which he handles the ball. He'll probably throw a pick or two as well. Doesn't matter. Nothing gets to this guy and I've been watching him since High School and I am typing that. He's playing behind one of the best OLs in all of CFB and he's not going to be consistently under pressure against this mediocre defense. The 4 weeks this guy is spending with his defense will be served in trying to help them get to a point where they can tread water against the most electric offense in college football not named USC.

"But…this is a home game for USC!?!"

If I could punch people through the radio, Colin Cowheard and several other talking asshats would be dead right now. This isn't a home game for USC. They don't play their home games at the Rose Bowl. Texas will be there a week before the game begins. Both teams have to go through the same festivities and bullshit. UT will come close to splitting the coverage in the stands. What is it that's going to work to their advantage in regard to atmosphere? Is the nice weather going to be too shocking for Texas? The beautiful women? Seems like we have some of that already in Austin. Perhaps it is the emptiness of the people and the absolute vapidity of their fanbase that will throw us? Tough to say. I do know that their fans are like the Sooners of the west coast. Their sense of entitlement to the throne is nauseating. How soon they forget the level of suck they had achieved before Carroll came along.

"But…they've been there before!?!"

No doubt. They've been there once more than we have. Apparently, we're all supposed to forget that they didn't even get invited to the national title game 2 years ago. There was no pressure on them in their BCS game at the end of the 2003 season. If they lost, well, ok. If they won, the AP had basically guaranteed the country that they were going to fuck the system and give USC the trophy. So they've been there one less time than the OU players had been when they both walked on to the field last year. It certainly played a role going against USC, didn't it?

The fact that the Trojans are riding this wave of publicity and hype works in our favor. I'm glad they're the favorite. It fills them with a certain amount of hubris, which is unavoidable. They're more likely to approach this Texas team with insouciance, given their prior trouncings of other "worthy opponents". All of that works in our favor. Moreover, it has put a chip on our players' shoulders. They know they're good and they're getting no love. This will no doubt force the pimphand UT wields to be much stronger than previously forecasted.

"But they've got Bush! and Leinart!?!"

There is no denying the level of talent they have offensively. Bush is a once every 10 years kind of guy. Leinart is damned good, unflappable, and throws with precision. They have talent behind those two offensively. Loads of it. Steve Smith is good when he feels like showing up. When they remember that Dominique Byrd is on the squad, he's excellent. Jarrett is as good as it gets. Lendale White is a tough runner and a likely 1st round pick when he comes out. Kalil, Justice, Lutui, and Matua are tremendous blockers. There's a reason these guys are undefeated and have more yardage than any other team in CFB this year.

Of course, they do have to go up against a defense that is unlike any they've faced. All month long, we've heard about USC's speed. We've never seen anything like it, etc. Did I miss something? This is fucking Texas, bitches. We're inundated with speed and we've played plenty of teams with it, such as OU and tOSU. The question is, has USC seen speed like ours? That answer is simple: No. The highest ranked defense these imbeciles have played all year is ..36 Arkansas. Notre Dame is in the bottom half of all 117 teams. 5 of their remaining 10 opponents are in the bottom 17 of the entire nation. None of the defenses they've played match up well with them at all. We do.

We have a dominant defensive line that can apply pressure and defend the run. White is not going to do much at all up the middle. We have a strong middle linebacker in Harris, who's now healthy. Killebrew has really come on at OLB and can help against both the run and the pass. And then there's the secondary, which is the best in the country. The safety tandem of Huff and Griffin is unmatched. They're going to give the WR corps of USC fits, as will the CBs. Brown, Griffin and Ross are all starters for any other team in the country. We'll take away Jarrett and Smith for the most part and we should be able to bring pressure on Leinart. So that leaves Bush. We've got to spy him and do our damnedest to keep him from going nuts. One thing's for sure - he won't run through us like he did UCLA and Fresno. We're faster, we're better schemed, and we tackle.

"But they dominated the PAC 10 and they're the best all-around team we'll play in this lifetime!?!"

The PAC 10 looks worse than my ass pressed firmly against a mirror. They haven't played defense in that conference since the Truman administration. Arizona State struggled last night with Big East power Rutgers, at home no less. This is the same ASU that's been repeatedly referenced as a formidable opponent to USC. 22 posters from this board, as inept as some of you are at even completing sentences and walking and chewing gum at the same time, could field a competitive team in the PAC 10 this year. The notion that USC dominating the PAC 10 has any credence towards them beating Texas is patently absurd.

The best all-around team argument is also one of the more obscene takes I've read or heard from any of the mouthbreathing sycophants following the SC heroics. They have a great offense. The notion that that makes them the best team ever, even before they've won the title, is insulting. Their special teams are scarier than clowns and midgets for the pro-SC viewers and pundits. They punt like their fanbase types, ranking 115 out of 117 nationally. Bush is worse than mediocre on both punt and kick returns, averaging below the team's own average, which is weak in the first place. They're 67th nationally in kickoff return yardage defense and dead last nationally at 117 in punt return yardage defense. Oddly enough, we're great on returns in both areas. The game may well be won or lost in special teams and we're have the upper hand and it isn't even remotely close. I expect at least 10 points to be scored in this game on STs, and it wouldn't surprised me if we scored twice on our own. Beyond STs, we covered the mediocrity incarnate that is their defense.

The claims of best team ever seem ridiculously premature. Statistically, we're a superior team. We're also the underdog getting no love. We've got a tremendous scheme guy on the defensive side and one of the best college football players ever at QB and he's got something to prove. I expect us to walk into the Rose Bowl for a second time in 370 days and let our nuts hang loud and proud. Once we punch USC in the mouth and give them a swift atomic wedgie, maybe they'll realize we're not Fresno or UCLA and they're going to be forced to play up. It should be fun.

I like us 52-42, with them putting on a late surge.

2005-12-19T11:35:00.000-08:00

Chomsky, with dick jokes

Like far too many people in this world, I too once was unfamiliar with the body of work put out by the late, great comedian Bill Hicks. I remember the day that changed. My freshman year of college, J.T Smith and I were running to Waterloo Records in his trusty '89 Bronco. In went Bill's "Rant in E Minor".

My ears and brain couldn't process exactly what was happening. I loved everything that the man spewed out. By the time we entered the Dobie parking structure, I hadn't had enough. I needed more: more biting social/political commentary. More of his unbelievable comic timing. More insight into the strange era of the late 80's and early 90's.

I've listened to his album "Philosophy" a good thirty times. Every time I get the opportunity to, I play it for those lucky virgin ears who have yet to hear the greatness that is his work. Most recently that was on my way back from San Diego, after my roommate Hani and I had seen Trey Anastasio. Some old friends from high school were there staying with us and a friend, and he mentioned that he had just started listening to Bill. Knowing that we'd probably hit plenty of traffic on the ride back, I figured that the best way to pass the time was to put on "Philosophy" for Hani. I couldn't believe that Hani hadn't heard his material before and was glad to be able to enjoy it yet again with a first-timer.

It didn't disappoint. Despite knowing every bit back and forth, I thoroughly laughed my ass off.

Bill's career was one that was marked by virtual anonymity and frustrating obscurity among the general population. He lived in that unfortunate era of America that was ruled by Reaganomics and fundamentalists (though it never gave him a shortage of material to work with). He spoke out when others were afraid to. He called out the backwards politics of the religious right with a fearlessness that has been unseen until only recently, when it's been very fashionable to do so. He bashed Bush I, the Gulf War, Bill Clinton, and the rest of the gang of idiots that were fueled by the disturbing apathy of the time.

Bill died of pancreatic cancer in 1994 at the age of 32. His comedy lives on in the form of several books, albums, and video releases. No one will ever rival his intensity, cleverness, delivery, hilarity, or thought-inducing comedy in my book. The man is a comedic legend, a political force, and a great human being. My life has been enriched by his work, and I hope his success continues to grow.

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